Hi pals and relatives. If you’re okay with learning a bit about the two of us, keep on. If not… You might want to close this tab. We’re not cool for talking about this over the dinner table, regardless.
I used to fear talking about sex – not because it was embarrassing to me but because I hadn’t had it and I thought that I wasn’t able to give my input into conversations surrounding it. I’ve learned this isn’t the case, having had sex or not doesn’t make your advice more superior or less valid.
I thought that not being in a relationship with someone but sleeping with them was a bad thing and I was adamant I wasn’t going to do it; until I did. There is nothing wrong with having sex, whether it being with someone you’re in a relationship with, or someone who you see in social settings that you seem to always fall into bed with.
Sex has never meant anything more to me than exactly what it is, just sex, and that isn’t a bad thing.
I have a confession to make. It’s not a big one – or rather, it shouldn’t be.
I haven’t had sex.
I’ve lied about having it to people who I’ve only just met and to some of my closest friends. It seemed easier to just say ‘yes’ when asked, and to be vague about detail. ‘It was a couple of years ago’ was the last lie I told.
I have experience in other forms of sex–based activities, but when it comes to a ‘home run’, that is uncharted waters for me. But this doesn’t mean my opinion is invalid. It doesn’t mean that because I’m twenty and haven’t had sex, I’m anything less or more than normal.
Sex is just sex until it isn't anymore. The physical act of sex is just that, physical. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people having sex without it meaning anything to either of them. Despite what everyone thinks or has been led to believe, boys and girls are both in the same boat in regards to how much each of them think about sex. Although if a girl is known to have more sex than what is seen as normal (but what constitutes normal), she is a slut. This word, although it isn't offensive to me, should not be the way we identify girls; they aren't doing anything differently to what boys are supposedly doing every weekend, yet it is seen as such a bad thing if girls do the same.
Boys are almost expected to be regularly sexually active, with question such as 'who did you go home with last weekend?' being thrown around more often than not on a night out. This shouldn't be the way we identify boys either, I know plenty of boys that haven't had sex recently and no matter how much or little you are having of it, it should not be a reflection of you as a person or how people are perceived in social settings.
There's a perception on girls that have been very sexually active or have slept with a number of people in the past, that they're easy, making it okay for boys to use them. They assume the girl won’t expect anything more from them or that she doesn't have a standard, with the mindset that 'if she's fucked ten boys then why wouldn't she fuck me?'. Having boys not wanting to take you seriously because you have slept with a number of people, and making you think that you're not worthy of anything else other than sex because that's all your 'good' for is a connotation that I find disgusting.
The amount of people someone has had sex with doesn't have any reflection on how good of a person they are or if they are worthy of you. God forbid you take a girl out on a date, and have a really good time with her, only to find out that she has slept with ten guys before you. You then decide that you won't see her again and you stop speaking to her all together. That has nothing to do with her and is a reflection on you and your own insecurities. This person could be the love of your life and by shutting it down with your surface knowledge of that person you're ruining your own chances at a good thing.
In March, Alannah and I were standing outside of a bar when we saw one of our friends. She talked about the weekend before and about a girl we all know. The girl was having regular sex, and our friend was calling her a ‘slut’.
We’ve all heard the comparison between guys and girls having sex. If guys have a lot of it, they’re a champ, if girls have a lot of it, they’re a slut. Most people can see that there’s no difference, yet the negative connotations and name-calling continues.
By being involved in consensual, safe sex, there is nothing wrong. Late night reruns of Sex & the City have become a favourite of mine in the past couple of years, and last week I started to think about Samantha a bit more. Not once in the years I’ve been watching the show did I think that Samantha, probably the most sexually active out of the four, was a ‘slut’, or easy. It’s safe. She’s having fun. There’s nothing wrong with it. So why is it different if it’s your friend?
I’ve heard anecdotes about awkward sex. Horror stories about a friend of a friend who should’ve put a tarp/sheet down, gag reflexes, bodily fluids, and laughable dirty talk. But it’s seemingly not a common topic to focus on those factors, or to even admit to the fact the sex isn’t all that flash.
Someone admitted to the two of us recently that the sex between them and their significant other has been ‘boring’. They had tried to talk about it to the other person and they had shut down. The conversation had ended before it started. Talking about the stuff that goes on in between the sheets may not always be comfortable, but it’s a natural, healthy part of life. You should be able to talk about it. If you’re not able to talk about one part of your relationship with the other person in that relationship, I feel like you’ve missed the point of it all. But sorry if my one relationship and not actually having had sex makes my opinion invalid. (I’m not sorry.)
Sex is between two people (usually), and it should be both good and pleasurable for both parties – whether the people involved are in a relationship, have met a few hours before, or something in between. It might not always be good, and no one can guarantee that.
I never really took into consideration the statement ‘you should wait to have sex with someone that it means something with’, until I had sex with someone that it didn't mean anything with. I wouldn't go as far as to say I regret anything I have done in my life, because that is pointless. There is no point dwelling on things that can't be changed, but they say hindsight is 20/20 and in regards to sex I wish I had waited.
This is not to say that when I do have sex with someone that it means something with, that it won't be any less special than it would have been if I had waited from the start.
Recently I slept with someone who a few years before I had almost dated. In a way it was something that needed to happen, maybe for us to validate that there were still underlying feelings. It was something that needed to be spoken about to understand where both of us were coming from and what our feelings going forward were. There is nothing worse than not knowing what to do with your feelings or not feeling comfortable enough talk to someone you have slept with about what has happened.
A person I know asked me last weekend if I’d had sex, and when I muttered something unintelligible he assumed I had, and exclaimed ‘It’s about time!’
About time? For what? And why?
When I was sixteen I was asked by a girl I barely knew how the sex was with my at-the-time boyfriend. I said we hadn’t, and she was shocked. Horrified. Confused.
I’ve never been ashamed that I haven’t had sex, but I have felt the need to lie. However, as I’ve mentioned, I still have experience and stories – funny, good and bad – to tell. I have advice and I have insight.
Losing your virginity before a certain time is a massive pressure point. For some people it’s different but for most people I know, it was around year 11 or 12 at high school. Before we go down this road, virginity is not something that can be taken from you, nor does it have the ability to change anything about you or your worth, whether that be your own, or your worth through someone else's eyes. The stigma attached to this word is far too intense and puts too much pressure on your first time.
Feeling pressure is something that most people have been through in regards to sexual activities and not just the act itself. Being pressured to do anything puts you in an awkward situation and ending up feeling as though you're in the wrong. A lot of friends I have spoken to feel this in regards to giving head (for want of a better word). A friend had told me the story of her being pressured; it had only happened once, once more that it should have. The a guy had tried to force her to give head by pushing her head down towards that region, at this point she had said no and sat back up. It's a gross expectation for someone to have, that they have the power over you to do exactly what they want to and get away with it.
In this sense boys seemingly have more power over girls in relation to sex. Girls will feel like they will be talked about by him to his friends as if she's not good enough for him, or he will find another girl who is willing to sleep with him, so they give into pressure hoping to keep him happy and around.
Fun fact: virginity doesn’t exist.
You’ve had sex, or you haven’t. That’s it. I don’t ‘lose’ anything, and you haven’t ‘taken’ anything from me. My body will not change, nor will I. I don’t lose any worth, no matter what any religious text begs to tell me.
Do you know any boys who haven’t had sex? I didn’t until recently. That’s because it’s just expected that all awkward sixteen-year-old boys magically find someone who is willing to have sex with them, and then they’re off, thinking solely with their penis for the next few years.
The day after I met a guy at a house party, Alannah told me hadn’t had sex. ‘But he was normal? And good looking?’ was my thought process. What the fuck was I thinking? Of course he was normal. So was I. So am I. But guys are looked at as ‘cute’ if they haven’t had sex. ‘Oh bless him, he’s just waiting for the right person’, will be said. If girls haven’t slept with someone, they’re seen as a ‘frigid’.
Going home/sharing a bed with someone has an expectation attached to it that you will have sex – it shouldn't, if you don't feel comfortable, don't do anything, it's as simple as that. To be cliché, if he can't accept it, then it's his loss and he isn't worth your time.
Being pressured doesn't have to be aggressive either, it can come in the form of ‘you're perfect, this will be perfect’, something that doesn’t seem like pressure until after. He used flattery to get what he wanted – and it had worked but it was still pressure and it is not okay.
My only proper boyfriend planned it out. We were going to have sex and he had jazz music playing and the lights were out and he was serious and I was cackling with laughter (internally) at how he thought a cliché first time experience would make it ‘perfect’. We were down to our undies and I was oddly calm about it. ‘I’m supposed to be nervous, why aren’t I? This is going to hurt. Everyone’s told me. Fuck.’ I had thought. He pulled his jocks down and I realised I hadn’t really thought about what this meant. I knew he wanted to, and I had been feeling pressure. I told him I wasn’t ready. I apologised.
‘I’m not angry, just disappointed’ he’d said. I apologised again. Profusely.
Did I really have to apologise? No.
A friend of mine. We pick up contact every now and then for a few suggestive texts, maybe catch up over a drink too many and then one of us starts seeing someone so we lose contact once again. It’s routine. He assumed I had slept with his friend. He said he wouldn’t have sex with me because of that. Once he found out that I hadn’t, he said he would be okay with having sex with me, as if it were a compliment, and that I should be flattered he would want to. #blessed.
The lad who hadn’t had sex. We were at a house party and had the opportunity to go into a different room. Alone. ‘I’ll go grab a condom’, he’d said. It wasn’t a question, just an assumption that once we kissed we’d sleep together.
I snorted and straight up said ‘No. We’re not having sex.’ I didn’t apologise this time.
Is this a good place to have another confession? In reality, this shouldn't be a confession either. I’ll say it anyway. I like everyone. I’ve liked boys. I’ve liked girls. Like-like. You know the type. Feelings.
Boys in school thinking they’re funny (and genuinely being oblivious/stupid) would ask each other ‘how do gay chicks even have sex?’ Amazing.
Last night I found this and I think it would be a good time and place to share it.
So why haven’t I had sex? There’s been opportunities. People I’ve had feelings for and who have been classified ‘special’. It’s not that I haven’t been comfortable, or that I’m waiting for a stereotypical soul mate, I just haven’t been ready. Maybe I’ll be ready next week, next month, or maybe I already am. But who really cares?